Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Suitable Programming

 July 1972

Three girls in a row, exposed bellies down on the cool wood floor, tanned legs bent, chins elbow propped in hands, absorbed in the destruction of a small town by a giant scorpion. The afternoon creature feature on the black and white TV that my aunt has rolled out on the brass colored metal trolley is our after lunch pre nap indulgence. We have already watched several episodes of Popeye and even though the reception is grainy with the occasional scroll up of the picture and the curved screen gives a fisheye perspective, the Texas summer heat keeps us glued to the spot in the air-conditioned family room.

The kitchen wall phone with it’s grimy ten foot intestinal cord is ringing; the loud bell can be heard all over the sprawling ranch house. This is an adult sound, so we all ignore the bell. Finally the older cousin nudged her sister to get the phone.  Groaning and stomping up the steps to the kitchen and a forced polite southern phone voice answer, then a yell Aunt Janel had the baby! I pushed back to a sit. I don’t remember knowing that my mother was pregnant, or anticipating becoming a sister, just that my mother was in New Mexico and I was in Texas, like most summers.

My mother taught first grade in El Paso and I was in the other first grade class.  I drove to work every morning with her in the red Corvair convertible with the white leather seats that were always cold.  She tied a triangular scarf on my head when we put the top down.
One morning when we were walking from the car my Scooby Doo thermos slipped from under my elbow onto the new asphalt, and when I picked it up it made a slushing sound. My mother told me that was the glass inside and took it from me angrily and said we’d have to throw it away.  I was allowed in the teachers lounge before school started and the air was thick with cigarette smoke. When we had fire drills and lined up on the blacktop against the fence, I was responsible for going through the pass through door that joined the two first grade class rooms and opening my mother’s classroom door for her class to come in.

At some point that spring I changed schools to one that was closer to our house, because my mother was let go.  She dressed in Villager pencil skirts and low flats, but her condition betrayed her and in 1971 a woman was not allowed teach elementary school if she were visibly pregnant.  I didn’t know any of this at the time of course, I just liked the new school because an ice cream truck stopped outside after school and the neighbor kids I now walked home with always had change for candy.

But this summer visit with my cousins was different, because we were moving from El Paso to Phoenix. I walked to the kitchen and took the receiver from my cousin and learned that I had a sister. 


August 1972

We set out very early with pillows slipped in floral cotton covers lining the back seat of the blue Ford station wagon. There was a cooler with pimento cheese sandwiches and cold bottles of Dr. Pepper. My aunt, her fifth and youngest child and I were driving from Texas to pick up my mother and newborn sister in New Mexico and then get settled in Arizona. I don’t know why my mother went to New Mexico, where my father’s mother lived, to have the baby. I don’t know why she didn’t stay in El Paso, where we lived, or come to her sister’s house where I was. There must have been a very practical reason. Roswell New Mexico isn’t where I’d want to go for medical care in 1972, or now.

My most vivid memory of arriving in Phoenix when I was 7 was of the palm trees.  Long rows of tall thin palm trees that stretched down the street creating a vanishing point. And there were mountains in the distance that sat like ships on the horizon. I don’t remember a baby, though we drove for hundreds of miles with her in the car. I remember the rental house with the dark green painted windows that cranked open and the dark green bushes that surrounded the house, oleanders, had pink flowers and the neighbor warned me that they were poisonous, even if the leaf brushed my hand, which still freaks me out.

I waited for the bus to my new school at the end of the street, which had a grassy median with orange trees that had trunks painted white. Then just weeks later we moved to an apartment with a fountain in a courtyard and an accordion sliding door that separated one bedroom from the living room. My bedroom window was narrow but floor to ceiling, and I lay on my carousel printed bedspread and looked out through the decorative cinderblock patio wall to the apartment across the courtyard and tried to see the people in side. I learned that a bottlebrush tree shaded this window; the red delicate spiky flowers did resemble the brushes my mother used to wash my sister’s bottles.  In the mornings after watching the Flintstones I ducked through a hole in the chain link fence in the back of the covered carport that backed up to playground of my next new school. My aunt and cousin had driven back to Texas and now my Granny was staying with us help with the transition. My father had been traveling a lot and no one had used the word divorce yet.

Summer 1974

We were moving around the corner, to a cheaper apartment, so we filled my mother’s orange Datsun 510 station wagon over and over, loading then unloading. One of my cousins had come, I assume flown, from Texas to help. She was just sixteen and my mother taught her to drive a stick shift so she could help with our move.  On one of our last nights in the nicer apartment, she took my friend and I swimming in the apartment pool. Some tenants upstairs complained that we were being too loud, although I can’t imagine what we were doing that could have been so disruptive.  We were nine.  My cousin pantomimed taking her top off and twirling it in the air, whooping “woo hoo!” then we ran shrieking back through the manicured hedges to the boxed up apartment.
The Monkees on Wallace & Ladmo!


The new apartment was smaller; the carpet was thin and rough. The laundry room had older machines and the door wouldn’t shut properly. We kept laundry quarters in a ceramic pinch pot I’d made at summer rec camp. The trash dumpster in the car port was the first thing you saw when you pulled up.  My mother had taken a new teaching position but the school was on the other side of town so she left for work earlier than I could leave for school. I had to manage that hour before third grade on my own.  This meant the Jetsons and Wallace & Ladmo. 


My sister now went to daycare and I had a house key on a hair yarn that I wore around my neck.  I didn’t know it then but I was part of a new demographic: The original latchkey kid.  When I got home from school in the afternoon the apartment was stuffy with Arizona heat but I kept the curtains drawn and the door locked, just like I was told.  I watched Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie and the Beverly Hill Billies. If the phone rang I was not allowed to say that my parents weren’t home but, ‘they can’t come to the phone right now, can I take a message?’

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Write On, Mamas! announce our newborn Anthology

Mamas Write, (Bittersweet Press)
29 essays by the Write On, Mamas! 

It's been a long and thoughtful gestation, and our due date is imminent.  Deep cleansing breath, and.......


Sunday, April 27 (3 PM) at Napa Bookmine

and

Sunday, May 4 (7 PM) at Book Passage Corte Madera
we get to follow Ayelet Waldman and Andrew Sean Greer!  OMG.


Join us!
Mary Allison Tierney's essay The Gingerdreadman is included in the anthology Mamas Write, available at Amazon, or your local independent bookshop.




and stay tuned for the A to Z challenge......

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I is for Inconsolable

Today my I is for Inconsolable piece is featured on  Crazy California Claire's blog as a part of our Write On, Mamas! group Blogging A to Z challenge.  Enjoy!


Bike Tour to college


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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Salish




Two years ago I had the privilege of participating in my nephew’s birth. When I arrived,  I waited behind the curtain until her contraction peaked and then went in to say hello.  
"You’re a liar and I hate you," she said weakly. 
While it was best that she didn’t witness my first two deliveries, watching me sneeze out my third probably wasn’t the best preparation for this day. With my third I wised up and got the epidural.  It was a significantly more graceful process.  I napped.  I read.  I glanced over at the monitor when I felt my e-friggin’-normous stomach tighten.  “Whoo – that was a doozy!” My sister rubbed my feet and fought with my husband for the cozier recliner
I tried to explain the difference but she wasn’t buying it.  I gently suggested that she get the drugs.  You get numb for a filling, right?  There’s no shame in getting relief ; no extra credit for suffering needlessly.  Of course it was useless. In this Seattle birth center, we had a dula, a tai chi master/labyrinth facilitator/impending grandma, two expecting parent biologists, and me; there would be no drugs today.
I’d never been present for the birth of a baby, outside of my own three. I’ve been the big sweaty groaning mess who couldn’t remember how to breathe.  Playing a supporting role was a relief.  Holding her hand, lifting her knee, offering words of support and encouragement came easily.  I knew my brother in law wanted to be down at the business end where I was, to watch his son’s head crown, but my sister had him in a headlock as her contractions heated up. She wasn’t letting me relinquish my post either, with her knee and hand.
When Oliver Salish emerged, after the feeling returned to my hand, his new grandma and I shared the most biologically bizarre sensation. The unmistakable tingle and ache of letdown. We were both very physically and emotionally immersed in this birth, so this must be Nature’s way of making sure the wee one eats.  Nice to know you can be useful.

2007
Mary Allison Tierney's essay The Gingerdreadman is included in the anthology Mamas Write, available at Amazon, or your local independent bookshop.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Salt Point




I watched a beautiful sunset jiggle and dip through the redwood trees that lined a winding two-lane road out the small back windows of an ambulance.  I was strapped down and every few miles the driver would pull over and he and my attending EMT would switch roles, take my vitals and I finally asked, “is there some regulation that you have to switch drivers after so many miles?”
The older of the two, the one who looked like he was maybe 23, looked embarrassed.  “No, it’s just, we both get car sick”.  This cracked me up. 
I focused on the sunset.  I wasn’t dying.  I wasn’t in pain.  I was uncomfortable and sad.  My husband was following the ambulance with our two young boys.  We had planned this camping trip on the last day of school and they were so excited. My achy back I attributed to the packing and the drive.  I had taken the boys for a walk while my husband set up the tent and started a fire for dinner.  I lay down in the tent for a while and when our 4 year old came in for a shoe tie, I sat up and Pop! A warm water balloon leaked into my lap and I knew.  I felt responsible for holding this crew together while I told my husband that we were not having this baby and telling our boys that they were not going to sleep in tents outdoors with s’mores, but that we were now going to pack the truck after 45 minutes of camping and drive for a few hours.
We drove up to the ranger kiosk and my husband says to the female ranger, “We need a doctor, my wife’s not feeling well.”  Just as she is asking what is wrong I push my husband back and lean forward meeting her eyes, “I’m having a miscarriage”.
She tells us to pull over.  The ranger has two teenage sons who take my boys for some marshmallow and fire fun as the local EMTs arrive.
The Salt Point EMT crew is a young outdoorsy woman in her mid thirties and her partner, who is scrappy with a white beard and is a dead ringer for the Burt’s Bees dude in that little postage stamp sized ad in the New Yorker.  He is very gentle and kind and as he takes my pulse, tells me about his wife’s miscarriage years ago and how it was sad but that they went on to have several children. There had been some talk about medi-vacing me out but I nixed the helicopter idea in the bud.  As Burt and the young EMT’s loaded me into the ambulance, I worried that I might be too heavy.
After two and a half hours of a winding road in an ambulance I welcome the cool night air when I am unloaded.  When I see the entrance to the Emergency Room of Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital, I am immediately panicked about what we will do with our boys. My husband finds me as I am being wheeled inside.  He has called our friend Saskia and she is on her way up from Mill Valley to get our sleeping boys and take them home.  They will wake up in their own beds and tomorrow this will all be over.
Inside the ER, I was transferred from the downy comfort of an ambulance gurney to a steel table with a disposable paper mattress and met the least charming nurse in North America. The queasy ambulance boys said goodbye and wished me well. It was almost midnight on a Friday and the room was chaos.  A curtain was drawn around my table.  To my right I hear the wheezing of an old man and his wife crying.  He’s dying.  Through the gaps in the curtain I can see a young woman across from me who is writhing, screaming, gagging and has my vote for the best string of expletives growled in a single breath.  She is having a really bad night.  I learn later from a nicer nurse that she was ODing on ecstasy.   Somewhere there is a burst of yelling in Spanish and two Hispanic men were being tackled and pulled off each other.  They had been brought in with knife wounds and were still going at it with their fists. Their loss of blood and the alcohol content of what remained were throwing off their aim and they were losing steam.  So was I.
My drama was not even a blip on the radar in this circus.  I was happy to be low priority.  All around me was death and agony.  I kept my jiggly sunset in my mind as the nurse came by to bully me and I cried as the final bits of our former baby made it’s exit.  I was sad and tired and lucky to only have those complaints.  I kept bleeding though and that got their attention.  Bully nurse took one more swipe at me when she asked my blood type and I couldn’t remember. Hers was no match for Miss Ecstasy’s mouth.  I was eased into a wheel chair and taken upstairs to a dark and very quiet sonogram room.  I bled on everything and nobody seemed to notice.  I kept apologizing.  The sonogram revealed a quarter sized bit of placenta attached to the tippy top of my empty uterus and that was what was causing the blood loss. 
I was prepped for a D & C.   It was 2 AM and I was a wrung out rag and had to be helped to take out my earrings and remove my watch and wedding band.  Then I remembered the navel ring.  I couldn’t get it open and the anesthesiologist and surgeon found that amusing so they let it slide.  I asked the surgeon if I could have a pair of scrubs to wear home, since my clothes were trashed and then I gripped his arm and told the anesthesiologist that I didn’t want to remember anything.  They both smiled and assured me not to worry.  I woke up coughing and a nurse reading a magazine next to my bed gave me ginger ale and wheeled me to a recovery room where I tried to sleep, but found this impossible. I heard babies crying, and realized I was in the maternity ward. 
We have a third child now, and the five of us drive through Salt Point every year when we vacation at Sea Ranch and I get a shade less sad each time.  I don’t tear up immediately, like the first few times we drove through, I just get quiet.  I don’t feel like we lost an actual baby, or a person, but rather a hope was lost or a promise was broken.  Less a death than a wish that didn’t come true.  

Mary Allison Tierney's essay The Gingerdreadman is included in the anthology Mamas Write, available at Amazon, or your local independent bookshop.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

awkward beginnings




My writing is suffering from self conscious awkward adolescence.  Zits, braces, unfortunate hairdos, gangly, clumsy, hormonal, too short, ill at ease, trying too hard to fit in.  My writing hasn’t found it’s true self yet.
I keep trying, and every once in a while, by some miracle, I craft a really good line, an observation, or I hit a vein of inspiration, usually just as knives are being drawn in a discussion between my teenaged sons about a borrowed Berzerker t-shirt.  A frantic spousal call from the kitchen inquiring as to whether or not we have a spatula. 
I try desperately to hold on to the train of thought at it chugs away, belching smoke, obscuring my path, and I respond to my daughter’s question about planning her birthday party, by pointing out that her birthday is in four months, and we have plenty of time.  I say this a little too loud, though clenched teeth and then have to lure her back and stroke her head like a scared cat until she recovers and tells me we could look at birthday cakes on the computer. 
I had never written fiction before my friend, Ken suggested I join him in doing NaNoWriMo.  When he first told me he’d written a novel in a month I thought he was delusional.  Then I learned about November. I took the challenge.  The beauty of NaNoWriMo was that I didn’t have to show my work to anyone. Ever.  It is all on the honor system, just word count. The story doesn’t have to be going anywhere. It got me into a habit of writing and not worrying about content. Characters changed names, they died, they kept talking. My childhood room was described in detail for no reason.  A subplot developed that featured one of my beloved second grade teacher’s sad home life after she was done teaching cursive and all the ‘kn’ words for the day. Characters ate out a lot and stood up and walked to the kitchen and made tea, constantly. None of it made any sense but that’s fine because by Thanksgiving I was nearing my 50,000 word goal and then my sister went into labor.  This served a dual purpose: one of my characters suddenly giving birth and my knowing for certain that I did not want a fourth child.  Not that it was a consideration at all but it was satisfying to firmly shut the door on that possibility.  I was able to write the birth scene with detail that I could not have described before, having only given birth myself three times, and not having been able to observe all the technical details.  It’s amazing what nuances you miss when you’re in agony. I now had a doula character with dreadlocks to the backs of her knees and a myriad of catch phrases and technical drama.
It took me a long time to dive in and take my first creative writing class, because I was so self conscious about not knowing how to craft fiction.  Crazy circle of logic there.  I would have not put up with such reasoning from any of my kids but I dog-eared class catalogues for years before I had the courage to enroll.  I found total support, and was rewarded for sharing my work, which I had never had the courage to do. 

Mary Allison Tierney's essay The Gingerdreadman is included in the anthology Mamas Write, available at Amazon, or your local independent bookshop.